Blur...

Do you ever go through moments of life where everything just seems like a BLUR?  You feel like you may have missed out on some earthly events and relationship opportunities, but more importantly you may have missed out on some big God things..?

The last month or 2 has been one of those moments for me.  I feel like I'm finally starting to come out of it but it's been a pretty slow process and I'm completely aware of it.  I've pretty much become numb to the whole infertility issue.  I'm sick of thinking about it, I'm sick of living it, I'm sick of praying for the same thing over and over again.  I KNOW I'm supposed to be persistent in prayer and present my requests to God - but there are many times I just don't feel like it!  This is why I'm so thankful for the many people that are praying FOR us.  Each of you are standing in the gap for us and interceding on our behalf when we simply have no words left to say.  No, I can't see the big picture.  Yes, I trust in God's plan.  I feel like I'm watching and listening for God to reveal his plan for me - yet I have become the one who wants to be silent.  And right now, I'm OK with that.  God knows my heart and he's heard my desires and also my frustrations many, many times.  I'm in another spot of waiting (well actually I've been here for 2 1/2 years) - but right now (at the very current moment) I'm at peace with it.

On top of that, I've been dealing with some health issues.  I thought I had a migraine that just never went away.  It had lasted 3 weeks.  I went in for shots, I used all of my migraine pills, I went in to get fluids and meds through IV's... and yet I found no relief.  I decided to go in again after a long weekend - I could hardly function from the pain and was missing work.  I was so light-headed and very short of breath and weak.  They decided to draw blood and discovered my hemoglobin was extremely low - 5.  I didn't really know how serious this was at the time, but they immediately brought me to the hospital where I had a blood transfusion of 2 units.  I immediately started feeling better!  My color had been awful and as the blood was going through the IV - it seriously felt like life was coming back into my body.  And my headache gradually went away too.

It's hard to function through life when you just don't feel well.  Those 3 weeks were even more of a BLUR.  I sat inside because I couldn't stand the heat, had blankets on all of our windows in the house because I couldn't stand light, tried to sleep, put ice on my head, tried to sleep, put a blanket over my eyes to keep it dark, tried to sleep - it was miserable.   I've been feeling MUCH better these last 2 weeks. I've had ups and downs and still don't know what the original cause was yet - but will go back in the beginning of August to get my blood checked again and make sure it's improving from the iron supplements I'm taking. I've also started going to a new chiropractor in Hartford, SD which seems to be helping!  I'm grateful for healing.

Monday morning we had the opportunity to go on a little ATLAS staff retreat by the river.  As I watched the water flow and experienced nature - my eyes were stuck on watching the ripples in the water.  And I quickly related that to my life.  Ripples in the water were caused by "road blocks."  Rocks or sand or sticks or whatever was in its way - yet it continued to flow and eventually became smooth water again.  I could see the big picture from the top of the hill and overlooking the whole river.  I am in the middle of a ripple right now - and God is looking down on me seeing the big picture.  I'm anxious to see His plan - and I will continue to wait until His timing prevails.  Because I KNOW it will - I just don't know when. 

Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief.  My life is consumed by anguish and my years by groaning; my strength fails because of my affliction, and my bones grow weak.

BUT - I trust in you, LORD; I say, "You are my God."

- Psalm 31: 9-10, 14