25 Weeks

This week is stirring up many mixed emotions in my heart. Thoughts of past heartaches and tears, but also thoughts of future excitement, joys, and anticipation. It has been 3 years since I had surgery for an ectopic pregnancy – when our 10-12 week old little babe went to meet Jesus. Little did we know, this also meant the beginning of our infertility journey. I really consider that experience as the first major trial in our marriage. Something uncertain was going on with my body and going into surgery, leaving my husband alone in the waiting room - not even knowing what was wrong for sure or what the outcome might be.

I thought it was no big deal. I’d get the surgery over with, recover, go back to work, not too many people would even need to know what really happened since I didn’t even have a lot of time to fully process everything myself. I would be fine – and I didn’t even “want” to feel sad since I barely knew I was pregnant. Oh boy, I was wrong! There’s no denying the hormone changes whether you want it to happen or not. I was sad, I cried a lot, I missed the baby I never got to meet, I mourned the processes we had to go through and decisions we had to make not even being prepared. We were asked before the surgery if we preferred a common burial, private burial, or just to dispose of the tissue if it ended up being an ectopic surgery. REALLY??? I looked at David with wide eyes thinking... “we really have to decide this?” We have had no time to think about it and how do you decide in 2 minutes with a nurse standing there waiting for your answer? It actually became a quick answer for me because it was my instinct. Since then, I have thought about that decision many times and how unprepared we felt, but I think God protected me in the moment and trust that we did our best. I was handed all of these grief and miscarriage pamphlets and I was just numb to it all. I didn’t know if I would come out of surgery just being told I had a miscarriage and D&C, or if I’d come out of surgery with lacerations because they had to remove the baby out of my tube. How could I even know what to feel?? I just wanted it to be over.

After the surgery was over and we found out it was an ectopic pregnancy, David and I shared some of our emotions and concerns. It became more difficult and emotional than either of us ever imagined. Yet we said from that moment, “We will look back on this one day and say that we grew closer together and closer to God through this – we just don’t know when that will be exactly.” And little did we know at that point, we would have to bear the heartache of infertility for the next 2 ½+ years. But we still trusted in God and His plan even when it was hard. In the moments we became numb and silent, we know others were praying and trusting for us. We still knew we would look back on a big picture someday and understand. It was just blurry, almost blinding at the time to even comprehend.

NOW – we celebrate that this little life is growing inside of me at 25 weeks. We anticipate her arrival and the joy that she will bring! We are also aware of the many changes this will create after our 5+ years of marriage – but we’ve wanted it so badly that we just plan to take it as it comes and again trust God for the outcome and patience to get through it.

I don’t even like to say that we’ve “arrived” at this point in our journey because it’s definitely not over. There are many things that could still happen, and many things we’ve already been through that make me very cautious. I’m not negative about it; I just want to be real – because I know from experience that everything doesn’t always go as WE plan it. And there’s this chunk of my heart that has such a deep burning and pain for those that are still struggling with infertility issues. Sometimes I feel guilty of the feelings I previously felt because I’m now pregnant and able to experience what I’ve always wanted – and I’m aware that some may never get that experience and it truly breaks my heart. I KNOW this was God’s plan for US. I’m thankful that this was God’s plan for us and that we anticipate getting the desires of our heart – but I am FULLY aware of how painful the “waiting room” is and can be. And I still shed tears for being in those shoes and crying out for the ones that still are. The pain is real. And my biggest prayer is that God reveals his sovereign plan to every couple in the middle of that. Every outcome might be different, but we will rejoice in a God who is faithful and trustworthy through it all. My feelings of guilt and sadness often just bring me to my knees as I think of others, and I guess that’s the best place to be.

Here’s a glimpse of me and Baby E. She’s moving around like crazy and I can see my belly jump from time to time. What a TRUE miracle life really is! We love you, Jesus!