Hold On

“We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”  - Romans 5:3-5

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One year ago this week, I had a couple of unplanned Dr. appointments that quickly changed my our lives.  After 2 days of tests and uncertainties, I was sent to Sioux Falls.  David and I met with an OBGYN doctor, and within an hour, had to make a quick decision about surgery for a possible tubal pregnancy (they weren’t 100% sure if it was this or if I had already miscarried).  At the time, the decision was pretty easy because I didn’t have pain, didn’t want pain, and wanted to get better and “back to normal” as quickly as possible.  It all came as a shock to me that I could be 10-12 weeks pregnant already and never even knew it.  At that moment – I thought of it as a blessing.  I didn’t have time to be overly excited and quickly let down.  I didn’t have time to fully understand what this all meant.  No one knew.  I could keep it under the radar.  It would take time to recover, but then I’d be on my path to normal life again.

I’m not sure that normal life truly ever happened.  Yes, I’ve been able to move on and say I physically recovered.  From an emotional and spiritual standpoint, I am not the same.  I never knew it would be so difficult.  David and I said quickly after my surgery that this was a time in life we would someday look back on and realize we grew through it.  We definitely didn’t know how true that would be at the time.  There are still many emotions that I experience that I never expected.  And many questions I think about now that I didn’t have time to think of then.  God continues to teach us and grow us.

When my mind wanders, I quickly jump back to the one ever-steady thing in my life. God. His faithfulness. His unconditional love for me. His plans that are so much better than mine.  The steps I took through this whole process were guided by His hand, and because of that I know it shouldn’t have been any different.  I trust Him (even when it’s hard).  And on the days that I struggle, I continue to cry out to Him and find JOY in the fact that someday I will meet that child.

I anxiously look forward to what 2011 has in store for our home.  No matter what comes our way, through the good times and bad, we will choose to “Hold On” to Jesus as he reaches out for us each and every day. 

“That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong!”  2 Cor. 12:10